This morning I woke up in the early hours around 2:30... And I was HOT. Center of the earth, lava, solar flare hot. This is relatively normal on any given night as my body temperature is far from regulated. It’s pretty cold out this week so I have my extra blanket on top of my comforter at the foot of the bed, making it easy to pull it up or remove it, depending on the whim of my internal thermostat. This morning, as I laid there breaking a sweat, I thought to myself, "Just take extra blanket off. Duh?" My mental response was so clear it was almost audible.
"But, I like the weight."
In that moment, with that thought, I felt a new understanding begin to shift. No earth shattering revelation, but very distinct web of splitter cracks releasing slivers of light. In my half-asleep state, I closed my eyes and laid very still. Willing myself awake and to a state of mental clarity that would remember the moment. I wanted to allow my mind to soak in the onset of realization. "You need to wake up and remember this."
I have been dealing with a different layer of grief this holiday season. Mom's been gone for 9 years now, but this year has been one of the most difficult. The season has come with all of the same memories, occasional sadness, and deafening quiet of her absence. It has seemed more exaggerated and for weeks it has felt, for lack of a better word, voluntary. As if there was something in me that knew how to relieve the heartbroken feeling, like I have done in years past, but refused. I have never experienced anything like this perfect and paralyzing blend of sadness and complacency. I wonder how “But I like the weight." has come into play in my grief this year? Is it so farfetched that the weight of sadness might make me feel that her love is closer, and somehow more tangible?
I think it's fair to say we understand the weight and heaviness of sadness, anxiety, or a bad habit rut. Often with more ease than understanding the lightness of joy. So, we work to lessen the pain or learn how to endure the burden, instead of working on how to make change, cultivate joy, and truly live in light.
On some level, I think we like the things that weigh us down a bit. Keeping us nestled in what we know, what we’re comfortable with, and what we’ve come to understand and expect. I laid for a few more minutes under the weight of that extra blanket and the illusion of security in the same body that was suffering a ridiculous hot flash, trapped under that blanket with me. Shockingly enough (note sarcasm), when I finally removed the blanket, it felt amazing. Admittedly, I felt a little less covered and a little more vulnerable but the bedding released the heat and my body started to cool, my breathing quickened, and with the cooling came clarity.
Bottom line: It felt good and it took me far too long to let the freaking blanket go.
I understand that life’s emotional weights are not as easy to move as a winter blanket, but I do believe that we have just as much control to move them as I did to kick off that top layer. It all starts in exactly the same place as I started at 2:30, sweating my ass off. The process of change is one of the things we are forever overthinking and overcomplicating. Therefore, I am going to bullet the next few statements. This way, if someone gets bored at the beginning of this babbling, they will see the bullet list and at least read this part. People love bullet lists, right? (Ok, I love them.) Important points are bulleted, and this is important. Here you go:
Change always starts with accepting that we have ability to choose.
Let's repeat that.
Change always starts with accepting that we have ability to choose.
I digress… Back to the bullet list.
Accept that you have the ability to choose. (ie: I choose my health habits.)
Find one of the fractures that inevitably occur with the possibility of control. (ie: Hmm... You know, I feel good when I drink water.)
Choose one small action or change that can break up that fracture a bit more. (ie: I am going to drink 2 more glasses of water a day.)
Celebrate the victory of the change. (ie: I am the QUEEN of hydration!)
Repeat and let the win fuel you as you take the next small controllable action.
Eventually the mental barrier comes down and the limit or bad habit is history, the blanket is moved. The cool, weightless power of joy, and the feeling of increased self-worth washes over you and you know something has changed. You have left something old and restraining behind and are ready to move on to what’s next.
For this year’s “voluntary” grief and me? I’ll be choosing to turn on the tree lights and getting up over the extra scrolling on my phone in the morning. Maybe making a grocery list instead of just curling up with Hallmark. Calling my dad or brother an extra time or two to help fill some of the void. Small, controllable actions. I may not feel it now, but I know relief will come, so I will continue to work the process until it does.
Make no mistake, there will always be another layer, another limit, another blanket as you grow, but you will be stronger with each round. And the good news?? The process remains the same. Gut wrenching acceptance (I choose.), willing ownership (I got this.), small changes, and celebrating the hell out of every win.
This journey is not always easy, but I can promise you 3 things:
It may be hard and you will likely have to reset a time or two...or if you are like me dozens of times.
As joy and accomplishment flood more internal space with light, the dark will begin to dissipate. The weight of low self-esteem, shame, grief... whatever you are tackling is no match for joy and growth.
Finally… Trust me on this. You will NOT miss the faux security of that heavy, hot flash rendering, winter blanket. Of this you can be 100 percent certain.
This blog is a personal collection of my thoughts, wins, losses, memories, and crossroad moments. Almost all of which were hashed out around my kitchen counter and in my journals. If any of it resonates with you and you are ready to free-up the hidden badass you ARE right now, I can help. It’s time… Click the link and Let’s chat.
