Have you ever been completely overwhelmed with gratitude? Have you felt it wash over you and change your entire perspective in just a matter of moments? I was standing in my kitchen yesterday morning, assessing all that needed to be accomplished before my friends arrive this afternoon. I had been struggling for a few days to manage the anxiety of the pace at work, COVID-19, getting the guest room painted, a struggle with one of my children, and prepping for company. All of a sudden a picture of a dartboard flashed through my mind and I said out loud, "Beth, pick up a dart, throw it at the list, start there, and the rest will come." If you do not feel the need to have full blown, audible, conversations with yourself to get through to yourself, I applaud you. Me, myself, and I (and sometimes Karen), at times could use a conference table and mediator! In any case... I changed my mini marquee in the kitchen to say "Just Start" and began where the mental dart landed...the dishwasher.
Something happened in that moment when I let go of all of the tedious minutia, and simply trusted myself to get the work done that needed to be done. Allowed myself to enjoy the morning and my cup of coffee. To enjoy the intoxicating quiet before the hustle of the day began. I allowed myself to turn on the radio and soak in some inspirational music. I poured a second cup of coffee and moved slowly throughout the kitchen as the looming "To Do" list silently morphed into something quite lovely. I began to see it as the career I am more fulfilled and satisfied with by the day... as a vehicle to achieve my financial goals for 2020, in the midst of global chaos. I viewed the tasks required to get there with excitement and urgency. I realigned with the truth that the, sometimes painful, experience of being a mother is not a consequence of some sort of losing maternal score card. I fiercely love and care for my children in the best way I know how, learning and adjusting every day for the last 30 years. I can look at that journey in awe, not only because we all survived (Ok, partially because we all survived), but also because I know that no matter how flawed we are, my kids are are kind, compassionate, generous, and we have a beautiful and deeply rooted, often emotionally charged, friendship.
The work intentions for the day were still stacked high. COVID-19 was still reigning supreme. The guestroom was not ready. The paint was not done. Nor was the bathroom clean. (These are my son's responsibility. I'll need to update this once I see how it all plays out. As of right now, he has about 5 hours and is currently at work. Soooo...) While none of the "facts" had changed, in the time it took to drink just over a cup of coffee, I felt the day's anxiety and mounting fear dissipate. Subsequently, operating in a spirit of gratitude and an added layer of patience with myself, yesterday yielded the most productive day I have had in a week.
Today, as I pulled into my parking space at work, finishing this entry via voice recorder, I became acutely aware that I am actually resting in the fact that it is impossible to complete this list of "things to do." Not just today, but always. And this reality is perfectly fine. Those things that are most important will get done, and the things that can wait, will wait for another day. I am also choosing to rest in the unknown of COVID-19. I am caring for and protecting myself and those around me the best I know how. I cannot control any more than that... we will fight that tiger if he actually materializes. Most importantly, I am fully at rest in the unconditional love of my family.
I know I am enough. I know I can do all things. I know I have the answers I need. I know I am incomprehensibly loved. Come what may, I am ready. It is mind-boggling what can happen to our perspective when we slow down for just a moment, pour the second cup of coffee, make room at the table, and allow gratitude to sit and visit for a spell.
This blog is a personal collection of my thoughts, wins, losses, memories, and crossroad moments. Almost all of which were hashed out around my kitchen counter and in my journals. If any of it resonates with you and you are ready to free-up the hidden badass you ARE right now, I can help. It’s time… Click the link and Let’s chat.