Well… here I am, in front of the same blank page that was so inviting and inspiring just 2 short weeks ago. Today is certainly a different day and this page is anything but inviting. Its bright white is screaming of emptiness, not beauty. The clean canvas, colorless and confining. But, here I sit tapping away believing somehow these 26 keys will conjure some sort of knowing.
Be still and know. This is a mantra that I live by, but today I am resistant to being still. Do I even want to know what the next steps have in store for me. When your adult child continues to set land mine after land mine in his own battle field, do we really want to hear what we know will come in the stillness? I know I don’t.
I don’t want to hear that it is something I cannot control. I don’t want to hear that there is no way for me to fix it. No way to save him from the consequence to follow. I don’t want to be told to stand down as I watch him fall. Being too still today, will bring reality a bit too close to the surface. There is a chasm of divide between my son and me. I feel more distant from him than I ever have and I hate it. My stock answer to “How are you doing?” the last 24 hours has been “I’m pissed, just really pissed at him.” But, if I am being honest, much of that anger is directed inward. I am angry that I can’t control this. I am angry that I don’t feel more empathy or emotion. I hate that I feel the desire to turn my back or shrug this off citing the-boy-who-cried-wolf syndrome as an excuse.
I hate this part of being a mom. There it is…the thing you aren’t supposed to say, much less put in writing. I hate this part of being a mom. The letting go... allowing them to hurt, fail, be stuck. Leaving them to lie injured on their rock bottom is hard enough, but loving them anyway, through the anger, through the disappointment, always having to put more effort in, go further than they are capable of going in order to keep your family together? Sometimes it just seems to be too much, and grossly unfair. It’s selfish to say, I know. But I am tired. I am sooo freaking tired of holding it together. I am so ready for someone else to tag in for a bit. If shit gets too real, they can always come find me. Aruba? Somewhere on a boat? Pool deck on the Gulf, drinking High Life? I’ll let you know my location, but I desperately want to step out of the ring for a round or two.
Alas... this simply is not an option. And truth be told, I wouldn’t take it if it were one. Because no matter what they do, or how they hurt us or themselves, they are an extension of our very being. My identity as a Mom runs through every cell of my person. It makes me who I am… makes me whole. It is the story of my greatest accomplishments, darkest failures, and most intensive growth. But it is not the WHOLE of who I am. His decisions are his to make and my love and for him plays no role in how the consequences are doled out. Nor do the 29 years I have been his mother make me liable or required carry the guilt that comes with allowing the “what if I had…“ questions to fill my mind.
So, today, I’ll be pissed. I’ll be disappointed and lost, unsure of myself, and drowning in my empty search for wisdom. I will honor those feeling and clear a lane for them to pass through. I will give myself space away from him and the circumstances of his life until the emotion settles and I feel my balance return. All the while holding on to the belief that one day he will stop planting those mines and sabotaging his future. One day he will finally use the unconditional love I have for him and fashion it into a mirror that reflects his love for himself.
In the meantime, I am going to linger a bit in my own self-love today. Refuel, be still, ride out the anger and numbness, and be ready when he finally comes around. Because in that moment, more than ever… He is going to need his Mom.
This blog is a personal collection of my thoughts, wins, losses, memories, and crossroad moments. Almost all of which were hashed out around my kitchen counter and in my journals. If any of it resonates with you and you are ready to free-up the hidden badass you ARE right now, I can help. It’s time… Click the link and Let’s chat.