It is said that early morning is the most important time of most people's day. This is true of me as well. Don't get it twisted, sunset is my FAVORITE, but truth be told, sunrise holds equal power. When I get up early enough to soak in the dark quiet of dawn, the sweet smell of morning dew is a perfect pairing for my bitter caffeine fix. I watch as the sun slowly rises and Anna, our 15 year old Chihuahua, wanders aimlessly around the yard with no sense of urgency (Literally. No. Urgency.) or worry for what the day may hold. Walking through my personal morning routine, generates equal parts peace and energy. Most days, anyway. Then there are mornings like this one, when the sun seems to blind more than lighten and the dewy air stifles. As I search and mull over my thoughts in an effort to dissect what differs on these mornings, unfortunately I have to face The Feeling That Shall Not Be Named. Loneliness. It's a sneaky little bastard, that one. Creeping up behind me as I am taking in a beautiful view. Seeping into a mind that, moments ago, was meditating in gratitude. Manifesting as doubt or fear, choking out the grace that generally embraces my Spirit.
What is different on these mornings? If I am truly honest, I cannot find a common denominator to factor out. Lack of sleep, soreness from a workout, a little too much red, residual from an emotional Momming situation, or just plain ole fatigue from last 12 months of our lives. All elusive, moving triggers; none with much of a predictive M.O. Yet, they keep coming.
I have just passed the year anniversary of some drastic changes in my professional life. Changes that have pushed me to require more of myself than ever before. Changes that have stretched my capacity and demanded that I trust my instincts and experience. Put everything I have got on the line and risk way more than what falls within my range of comfort. Change, by the way, that has also brought much joy, satisfaction, and pride. And yet... there it is this morning. This low-burning ache that often goes consciously unnoticed. Reminding me that, in spite of my self-sufficiency and love of solitude, I do not want to continue on this path without a partner forever.
I can hear Charlotte practically screaming, as the scene plays out in my head,
"I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted! WHERE IS HE??? "
For me ...it was 14. I have spent a good bit of time these past few months evaluating my journey from 94% winning record as a narcissist magnet to being emotionally ready to begin a partnership that will stand through the next phase of my life. Someone to brainstorm, travel, celebrate, read books, create, work, and just generally do life with.
Here's the flip-side... and at the time, admittedly still slightly the dominant side. I might emotionally be ready, but not mentally or physically.
(Cue: run-on babble.)
By that, I mean I am not quite ready to have conversations about socks on the floor, toilet seats, my gas tank always being empty, who handles the remote, my obscene obsession with teenage TV shows, having full control of the thermostat, full access to the covers, the bad habit of staying up till 3 am on the couch instead of taking a sleeping pill on restless nights. I want 80s dance parties for 2 with my gay bestie, to not speak to anyone for hours at night if I feel so inclined, watch Christmas movies non-stop in August, and not wash my hair or shave my legs every day. Are we catching my drift?? A case COULD be made that I have waited too long and am getting stuck in my ways. But that, my friends, is a post for another time.
I wonder when the love of companionship and desire for a partner, will supersede all the things that I want because I want them and can FINALLY have them when I want them? It is a question that is so open-ended, I am not even sure how to close out this journal entry! Seriously... I am not even hearing the "blah blah blah" my brain will often spout out when I am without clarity It's just the question followed by the aforementioned low burning ache, then nada, zilch... a silent flat line.
For now, I will just let the loneliness in and sit with it for a bit, honor its presence, own it, truly feel it. Then, I'll get up and continue to grow, be kind to myself, enjoy not having to share my stuff, and seek out those surprising recipes for one. I'll continue to cultivate and expand my energy, reach, and joy a little more every day. I'll pour as much as possible into building both my future and my impact. Laugh, cook, cry, and play with the amazing people that are in my life right now. Relish in the minimal Mach 3 replacement blade expense while I can and buy stock in Dove dry shampoo. (Note: I do not believe women should shave or wash their hair more (or less?) to impress a man. I am simply not above stating that I do it a bit more when one is around on the reg. LOL #NoShameInMyGame)
The perfect fit will show up at the exact time he is supposed to and I will be ready. I know this in a place that is deeper than the loneliness. The still small voice of surety speaks louder than any other voice in my head. In the meantime, I'll be dancing to 80s music and singing into hair brushes as often as possible.
PS. Just couldn't resist. Grab a hairbrush and crank it up. You know you want to.
This blog is a personal collection of my thoughts, wins, losses, memories, and crossroad moments. Almost all of which were hashed out around my kitchen counter and in my journals. If any of it resonates with you and you are ready to free-up the hidden badass you ARE right now, I can help. It’s time… Click the link and Let’s chat.